ATTILA AND THE PRESS Good morning, my name is Conrad the Story-Teller and I have been asked by King Attila to speak with you. He has been hearing quite a few complaints that the people are confused about our goals, as we go ravaging and pillaging around Europe. He decided it might be useful if I came out and spoke to you scribes every now and then, and you can find some way to pass it on to the people. The questions themselves show how badly we need to improve our communications, because, of course, ravaging and pillaging are our goals. We've gotten along pretty well focussing in that area. Heaven knows, the army seems to thrive on it, and we've been able to send a steady stream of plunder to the folks back home. And we've certainly made quite an impression inter-tribally. I'd like to report to you on the king's activities and plans, and then I'll be happy to take your questions. In spite of a nasty lion bite he got while wrestling, the King has been in good spirits. Last week he met with high chieftains of the Ostrogoths and the Visigoths. While no one could quite make out what the other was saying, there was an unusual amount of good-natured grunting, cursing, and arm-punching. After the customary offering of women and tribute to the King, our visitors indicated they'd like to join us in laying waste to Italy. It was remarkable how, in spite of the language barrier, everyone seemed to know what "laying waste" meant, and the phrase sparked a lot of reminiscing as well as a heartening sense of common purpose. Next week's schedule includes the King's annual review of The Hordes. The reviewing stand has been made much stronger, so there won't be a repeat of last year's disaster. Our leader hopes that, as the Hordes go rampaging past, they can keep the reviewing stand at a distance, without in any way diminishing their enthusiasm. He wants to remind everyone that General Klang's Horde has won the Rampaging Medal five years in a row. Those Hordes who have been resting on their laurels in Burning, Looting, Pillaging, Plundering, Trampling, Marauding, Sacking, Ravaging and Terrorizing alone must remember that a true Hun is master of all the arts that have given the name "Hun" an image profile that is the envy of all Europe. In the hopes of passing his secret on to the other Horde leaders, I asked Klang the Terrible how he motivated his army to go wild, year after year. "I'll kill them if they don't, " he said, knocking me down in that direct way of his, and stepping on my neck to help me understand. As you know, our annual review concludes with a giant rally on the rampaging ground. Ordinary-size soldiers will assemble on the field near the Pillage Village Training Camp. The entertainment this year will include the popular Blood-Curdling Yell contest. You might remember that last year's winner was so effective no one wanted to go near him to give him the prize. We put it in the middle of a field and told him to go get it. The prize this year will be a repeating sling-shot developed by our weapons team, or the usual free trip home. It's interesting to note that in the seven years we've been offering it, no one has chosen the free trip home. It may have something to do with the deplorable lack of security on the roads these days, or it may just be that the concept of Home, as well as its whereabouts, has grown increasingly difficult to keep in mind. Before we get to questions, I would like to announce a contest to replace our tribal slogan, "Keep Rage Alive." Attila feels that, although "Keep Rage Alive" is deeply planted in our hearts, and has wonderfully served its purpose in stirring the army to unheard-of heights of fury and destruction, we are entering into a new phase, in our march toward world supremacy, that requires a more sophisticated, conquered-friendly approach. Off the record, simply put, the more deeply the enslaved peoples are gulled into feeling that they, too, are part of our extended family, the fewer troops we'll have to waste in keeping them beaten down. The King originally made this a contest among his generals, but those heroic soldiers are not always nimble on their feet verbally, and the results, to say the least, have been disappointing. I'll give you a few, so you can see what we're not looking for: Join Attila, He's a Thrilla, So You Want to be Assertive, Take your Chances with the Mongol Lancers, You Take Vanilla, I'll Take Attila, and We're Looking For a Few Good Maniacs. The prize for the winning entry, due by the next phase of the moon, will be lunch with Attila in the VIP lounge of the Coliseum, after our inevitable victory. Now I'll be happy to take some questions. I'll repeat them to make sure that all of you can hear (pointing, listening). The question is "What about the problem of cost overruns?" We think we're getting a handle on that one. The cost of over-running France has been much less than the cost of over-running Germany. We owe that to Attila's up-dating of classic Greek techniques, such as Kidnapping and Extortion, which, by the way, won the "Best Revival" Award at this year's International Marauder's Convention. Our leader gave the keynote address at that meeting, called "Your Land is My Land." (question) The question is, "What about rumors that the King is getting married?" I suspect that rumor is founded on wishful thinking. We know that Attila has had many wives, and his generals are looking forward to the day when he gets one of his own. (question) The question is, "Why did the King kill his brother?" Why does anyone kill his brother? In the normal run of things, in my experience, it's a dispute over women, or property, or some question of power. You wouldn't kill your brother because he borrowed your axe for shaving. On the other hand, if he never lets you finish a tirade, if his growl is always louder than your snarl ….. Our leader's conduct toward his brother seems perfectly reasonable. For a while, they shared power, until that fateful day when the unfortunate sibling stood on the edge of a cliff, surveying a newly-conquered territory, and claimed it all for himself. On the spot, Attila invented the idea of "voting with your feet," and his brother became known as "The First Flying Hun." (question) The question is "What is Voting?" Voting is a charming ritual practiced by tribes who don't have a strong leader. They select their chiefs in secret, placing rocks on one pile or another at night, when they can't be seen. This seems difficult to imagine in a free society such as ours, when we are all able to openly vote our support for The Mighty One, without skulking around in the dark. I have time for two more. (question) The question is, "Whatever happened to the King's promises on Education?" I would hasten to remind the questioner that kings are not obliged to promise anything to commoners, and in light of the unpleasant tone of his question, he should give greater priority to his health than to education. That said, your ruler, who does want to be known as the Education Tyrant, has taken decisive steps in this field. He personally kidnapped three Irish monks on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land, and ordered them to set up schools, which, in our case, of course, means mobile classrooms. The last question? (question) The question is that old one, "How did Attila come to be called "The Scourge of God?" For the last time, Attila was born in a little mountain village in Mongolia, called Grod. The beloved old town leader was traditionally known as the Gurge, meaning the Wise One. When Attila, who bore him no grudge, found it necessary to pitch the Gurge into the gorge, it didn't take much urging for him to become the new Gurge of Grod. You don't need much imagination to imagine how his enemies could distort that one. He has confronted this sort of thing all his career, and that's why he has created this event, the first press conference in history. For those who have any doubts about our leader's religious feelings, you might want to notice on your right, as you leave, the portable shrine the King has erected, at his own expense, to the great god Mayhem. Until next time, "Keep Rage Alive!" © 1998, Russell Connor